The loss of a spouse is devastating, it turns your world upside down, shatters your heart, and leaves you in a new life one that you did not choose or ask for. I understand this because in January of 2024, my beloved husband Martin died after nearly 40 years together. I felt heartbroken and lost and the pain was excruciating, it literally took my breath away.
Here is what I also know and understand. Our hearts heal when we allow ourselves to feel the pain. We can create a new life and we can experience happiness again…. I know all this because I have walked and continue to walk this path. I have found joy, laughter and meaning.
My name is Susy Giddy, I am an ICF Certified Life Coach and a Certified Grief Educator and have created this course for you, the grieving spouse. I draw on the Life Coaching Toolbox, the Grief Educator’s Library of knowledge and my personal experience with grief and growth.
I am here as your guide as you walk your own path out of the darkness to the light.
Quote:” I am under reconstruction. My loss tore me apart, and now I am under reconstruction. This reconstruction process is time-consuming and messy. Like any major overhaul, it gets worse before it gets better. It’s wearing and noisy. And it’s not orderly, either. I don’t even know what I am going to be like when the project is finished. But nonetheless, every day I put my hard hat on and get to work.”
Allan D. Wolfelt PHD From 365 Days of Understanding Your Grief
Let’s get started. The first thing we are going to do is figure out where you want to go on this Grief Journey. I know it might sounds baffling. I want you to imagine it is one year from now. How are you feeling? What have you done? How is the grief pain? What kind of life do you have now? Who is in it? You are going to write a letter to yourself as though it is one year from now.
Hi Susy, January 12, 2025
It is hard to believe that one year has passed since Martin died. Here you are standing at the top of Tremblant where Martin and Robin’s ashes lie, the very spot where you lay them last February. You did it girl. This thing that you were so afraid of, Martin’s death, you have survived and thrived. You spoke at his funeral, remember you stood up and spoke, you did it. You joined the ski club and went skiing. you bought a convertible, you went back to playing tennis and dancing. You have done it.
Think of all the steps you and Ruffus have taken 100s of thousands if not more. Remember walking and crying and your chest hurt so much? Still, you kept walking. How about the Grief Educator Course you took and look at you now Certified by David Kessler.
Oh, and how about all the things you learned, like starting the lawn mower, fixing the deck board, and going dancing by yourself. Remember when you locked the kitty under the deck board?
You met your pain head on, you didn’t run from it, you didn’t numb it nor did you wallow in it. I am proud of it cuz if you don’t feel it you can’t heal it.
So here you are Susy one year into this life that you did not choose and I am so very proud of you.
So the first exercise is for you to write this letter to yourself as specific as you can be and sign it.
Homework
Make a list from your letter about the things you are going to do this year. Choose one of them for this week, make a list of what has to happen in order to achieve it.
Example from my life. I wanted to go skiing to Tremblant I researched joining a ski club and went on a ski trip.
The Province of Nova Scotia told the bully that she was breaking the law. She said she would stop and that she would remove the material, she did not stop. The Province said the only way now is to take the matter to the Supreme Court of Canada. I am in the process of doing that.
She makes up lies about me, my family and others who I love dearly! She spreads them as far as the internet will take them.
Bullying is against the law because it is hurtful behavior, it is designed to hurt and it does in fact hurt. But make no mistake, I know what is true and what is not true.
Feeling stressed and overwhelmed is so common these days, in fact many people feel overwhelmed and nearly at the end of what they can handle. We have a lot coming at us. Too many things to do all at once, low energy, feeling flat, chaos, frustrated and more. I get it and I can help.
I can help you take a break and reset your energy so you get your life back get to calm, peace and restructure your life so you can Start Living the way you want to.
Book the Stop Stress and Overwhelm Session with me.
Creating the life you really want starts with Taking care of you! Exquisite self-care is possible for all of us. While taking care of you could include massage and manicures, self care is about making sure you have what you need and want to nourish your body, mind and heart. It is about saying yes to what lifts us up and no to what drains us. Sounds good?
We just need to create a plan and do it. Create a 30 day plan.
Self care creates More Time, More Energy, More Joy and yes More Money.
Self care reduces overwhelm, frustration, never-ending to-do lists, fatigue, overeating, over drinking over snacking over scrolling all those things we do when overwhelmed.
I once hired a personal organizer to help me get my office and closets in order. She gave me some of the best advice I have ever heard. ” Some people are ploppers, some people are folders, some people are stackers. You can’t make a folder into a plopper. You have to do it your way.” I was thrilled to hear this and have been more organized ever since. Plopping things neatly wherever I go.
I find this advice to be so true when it comes to moving our bodies. Each of my clients wants to move their bodies every day and each one has a different way that works for them. So the coaching work we do involves discovering what will work for them.
Finding what way moving your body feels good to you is the first step. Like my personal organizer advised go with what works, what is fun and feels good. I have a few clients who love being in the water and that is fun for them, funny those same clients don’t like running and I who love running am not a water baby. I can run a marathon but can hardly swim a lap. So really explore what feels good.
Another thing to find out is what are you going to do anyway? So say you are going to visit with a friend adding a walk to the visit or making the visit be a walk is a great way to get a walk in. I actually prefer walking and talking to going out for lunch, so for me, a fun friend visit is walking with Ruffus and a friend. So instead of saying something like I have to find 30 minutes to walk, think of it as part of what you were going to do anyway.
It just so happens that I have a couple of clients who are committed to walking each day and now due to a huge work strike are out on the picket line walking, a perfect example of using what you are going to do anyway.
By choosing what way you want to move and combining it with what you were going to be doing anyway you create the circumstances to honour your committment to yourself to move daily. We hear a lot about discipline, for me the idea of honoring my word to myself is a gentle and loving way to think about it.
I learn a lot about a lot of things in life from my dog. his name is Ruffus and we rescued each other. he was abandoned on the beach in the Dominican Republic and needed a family and a home and well I didn’t know it but I needed a dog.
At this time of year, lots of folks, including me have high hopes for the New Year. we make resolutions, set goals, and see a better life in the coming year. Whether it is losing weight, getting fit, writing a book, decluttering the house, whatever it is, change is involved. We are either going to start doing something we haven’t been doing or stop doing something we have been doing or both. we are going to change our behavior.
Along the way to changing and getting the lives we want, we are going to run into obstacles. We need to recognize and acknowledge the obstacles in order to continue on our path to change. One of the biggest obstacles that I encounter both in my own life and in the lives of my clients is boundaries. Setting up strong boundaries protects our time, energy, space, and money when others try to step over them. I am thinking of one of my clients who wants to grow her own business but a neighbor would drop in each evening to chat, for hours, and finally bleary eyed my client would head to bed exhausted, frustrated, and no further ahead with her business building.
This is where what I learn from my dog starts to come in. I have observed that he is not a fan of being sniffed in certain ways by some dogs. So when a dog steps over this boundary Ruffus signals, this is not OK. He does it by standing perfectly still and not engaging with the offending sniffer. I’d say 9.5 times out of ten the other dog gets the message and moves on. Ruffus has protected his boundary.
So how do we protect our time, energy, space, and money when others knowingly or unknowingly try to step into our time, energy, space, or money?
Ruffus knows he doesn’t like to be sniffed a certain way. So the first step to protecting your time, space, energy, and money is to know what you want and need. Listen, if you say want to write a book, sit and figure out what gets in your way. Is it being interrupted? Is it doing for others? Be honest with yourself. Is it your phone or Social Media? Just sit and become very clear on what is it that you want and need.
Next time we will look into what boundaries need to be set and how to do it.
Until then,
Coach Susy
PS. Coaching can help with boundaries Here is a link to my Coaching Packages
On the Eve of my husband’s 80th Birthday, I find myself more or less in awe. It seems to be a momentous occasion for him and for me. And as I ponder this moment in time and of celebration, I come to understand that turning 80 is a luxury not granted to all. And as this thought sinks into my brain and into my heart I feel profoundly grateful for this birthday, for this time, and for this man who is, without doubt, the great love of my life.
I am acutely aware of the grief I carry for so many in my life who have not lived anywhere near to 80 years old, my baby brother, our son, and others whose lives were cut so tragically short. I wonder will I be one of the ones granted the luxury of an 80th birthday?
I am magnificently aware of how incredibly precious the time is that we have with this amazing man. This man whose life began, by crossing the Atlantic Ocean in a warship in his Mother’s belly. This remarkable athlete, a holder of so many medals in many sports, including swimming, paddling, and marathoning. This father, Dad, and Papa, a builder of science projects and a fierce protector of his young. This architect, a designer with unlimited possibilities. This man who is healing from cancer. This man who is my most beloved husband, friend, and true love.
I have the feeling that I want to hold on to this time and moment with all my might, so that it does not pass too quickly, knowing all the while that this is not possible.
What is possible is to be grateful for each and every second and to love him with every fiber of my being.
Many thanks to my Colleague Jason Bernic for this insightful image. People ask me every day, what does a Life Coach do? I like to say I am an Obstacle Buster, but I am not sure that answer explains it as well as this image, well we do say a picture is worth a thousand words.
So let’s break it down into words. We say to ourselves ” Let’s Do This”, whatever “this” is for each one of us. Let’s say it is building a Yoga Business. The person is keen, they know it is right for them, they are excited, they have a plan, good to go, right? Maybe. However, quite often, the answer is not quite. Why? Obstacles are in the way.
The kind of obstacles I am talking about are of our own making. The obstacles are our own thoughts. Fear, Uncertainty, Failure that kind of thing. The tricky business here is that fear is sneaky, it doesn’t show up like ” Hi I am fear, an obstacle to you reaching your goals”. No, it shows up like What ifs.” What if no one comes to my yoga classes, what if I suck as a yoga teacher.” Or, ” this is not the right time” or, or, or. See what I mean? Furthermore fear disguises itself as logical or maybe even protective ” you have too much on your plate” sneaky things like that, smart one that fear obstacle.
Uncertainty which is a subset of fear shows up like this ” You don’t have all the answers so don’t do it” It is going to be hard” or “What if all the pieces don’t fall in place?”
Failure is another subset of fear! ” What if I fail?” ( the implication being one’s world will fall apart) “What if I don’t have what it takes?”
These obstacles come in many forms, but the truth is they are all just our thoughts, they are not facts. I repeat they are just thoughts, not facts. And as we know we can choose our thoughts. So for example ” What if my yoga classes are full? What if I find all the answers I need to build my yoga business.” These thoughts are in fact the obstacle busters. When we clear out those fears we come back to excitement about whatever it is we want to achieve.
Happy 4th of July to all. Sending you wishes for a celebration full of fireflies and sparklers and watermelon.
I love this time of year of National celebrations. I wake up on Canada Day so excited for the day ahead and so proud to call this beautiful country home. I know we have our issues, big ones in fact and still it is a beautiful country with gentleness running through her very soul.
And then I wake up on the 4th of July, so excited for the day, so filled with memories of fireflies, and sparklers and watermelon and staying up late. I am proud to be an American and yes I put my hand on my heart for the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star-Spangled banner and I vote there.
People ask me are you Canadian? Yes! Are you American? Yes. Some scratch their heads as if it doesn’t quite compute. I must admit I have asked myself things like ” Am I more Canadian or more American? Not even getting into Dominican status at this moment! The truth is I am both. I am proud of both countries. I get mad at both countries, I am loyal to both but mostly I love them both.
It brings me to the point of this little post. I think we need more duality in our lives. What the heck do I mean? I mean sometimes both things can be true. We can both be right, we can both be wrong. The proverbial cats and dogs can exist side by side. We can, in other words, make space for all of us, for different ways of living, thinking, and being. There is room for duality, there is room for us all and there most of all room to love many ways of being.
And this is my wish for my beloved USA from my beloved Canada on Independence Day. Let’s make room for us all.
“To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived – that is to have succeeded”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
When asked to write about me my reaction was something like ” Are you kidding me? What would I say?” Sounds like a great Coaching Question, ask a Client to write About Me. What would you want to know about me? What would I want you to know about me?
Let me try to tell you about me. On paper, I guess you would say a lot has happened in my life in particular a lot of trauma but also a lot of joy Starting with being born to two alcoholics, experiencing the tragic death of my little brother at 14, an abusive marriage, the death of our son, a near death car accident, living with cancer. I have raised beautiful children, fulfilled the dreams of owning my own tennis club, moving to a tropical island, owning an island, living at my favorite ski hill, marrying the great love of my life.
In all of this and then some, I have experienced the best and worst that life can serve up. I have known great despair and I have known all everything in between over and over again. I have coped badly and I have coped well. I have turned to chips and wine for comfort and I have learned to feel the feelings and most of all I have learned to live.
But what I most want you to know about me, is not the suffering or even the particulars of my trials and joys. What I want you to know about me is that I have found a way to live joyfully, to come back again and again to grace, to joy, to generosity and to love.
And as a coach, that is I think my greatest gift! I know how it feels and I know how to help you Start Living, I know that because I am a Certfied Life Coach and I talk the talk and walk the walk.
“To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived – that is to have succeeded”
