I can’t really explain how I became the very happy and proud owner of a convertible, it sort of just happened. I mean I didn’t set out to get a convertible, it wasn’t on my bucket list or even on my radar, or even anything that I ever thought of. And yet sitting in my driveway is my beautiful, Garnet Red Miata, her name is Charley, go figure.
Here is what happened. My dear friend Ben an elegant and gentle man, husband of Elizabeth, who can best be described as my guardian angel, suggested I take his Miata for a spin ( note to self, this is where the trouble as it were began). Off we went, meaning Ruffus and I. Ruffus seemed to be smiling as the air blew through his fur as he sat in the passenger seat next to me. We purred along the three of us, Ruffus and I, and the car.
I enthusiastically thanked Ben upon our safe return. “Turns out there is a fun little Miata club to join for Miata owners,” says Ben.” Great folks, fun rides, lovely tours, and delicious meals.” Hmm, I think, hmm.
The next thing I know, my phone pings with a message from Ben. A listing on a beautiful, Garnet Red Miata, low mileage, like new condition. Still, in my somewhat stunned state, I drive the 2.5 hours to go see it. It is in fact, a beauty, in pristine condition, a price that I can afford. I make an offer. They accept. Oh shit, I think!!!
I call my BFF, whose love and clear thinking have held me through this loss like a lifeline, thinking for sure she will gently bring me back to my senses as she is well , the sensible one of the two of us. ” Great idea! She pronounces, go for it”!
My baby sister, Becky whose love has helped carry me through these darkest of days, is excited for me and declares “You deserve it, Susy”.
I spend the next few days going around in circles in my head, wondering what I am doing and why. I go over my money meticulously to see how I can’t afford it. I can afford it. I wonder what I need with two cars. I muse that perhaps I have taken leave of my senses for good this time.
I wonder if ” going to look at a car” is like ” going to look at kittens” Who ever heard of “just looking” at kittens? We did that Martin and I many times, in fact, that is how we got all the many cat members of our family over the years, including our current kitty, Corey.
I picture or feel or know, or some weird thing like that, my beloved Martin who died six months ago, is cheering, no jumping up and down saying ” Go, Sweetie, get it”. He was like that you know, always wanted the best for me.
At any rate, I go buy the car, I am happy about the car, still a bit stunned, maybe numb, maybe in shock but happy about it and looking forward to the Miata Club and all of that.
I am not used to feeling things halfway. I live a soul-powered life, I am passionate and purpose-driven so feeling less than over the moon excited about things is foreign to me. I also have learned in the past six months since Martin died that grief does strange things to us. It is kind of like trying to listen to a radio and the static makes it so you can’t really hear very well, or driving through a thick fog. So I figured grief was dulling my senses about the car.
And then it happened. Ruffus and I were driving down the highway to meet our sister-in-law. ( Shirley is my sista friend). We were going to buy plants for Martin’s Memorial garden and go out for dinner. What happened is that I looked over at Ruffus, the wind blowing in his fur as we buzzed along toward Shirley and I felt totally happy. I had my why. Why did I buy the car? I bought the car because Ruffus and I are going to find our way in life without Martin in this car. We do this by exploring new roads, by going to new places, sometimes crying it out, by welcoming new people into our lives. Ruffus and I tootling along with the wind in our faces in our little red car.
And my love for Martin and his for me and for Ruffus goes with us every where.
Next week we are going on a little road trip to go exploring for gems, amethyst to be exact… Just Ruffus and I and the little red car.
I share this little tale in the most sincere hope that it helps anyone who needs to hear it. The journey through loss is tough. I think of it as a wilderness, in many ways an unknown, and yet we travel toward the light and toward healing.
Susy is an ICF Certfied Life Coach and A Grief Educator…. she helps people create their best lives.
Grief is a natural response to loss. When we love and our person dies, it hurts, it hurts a lot. The only way to avoid the pain of grief is to not love.
Here is what I know for sure; our broken hearts will heal, the pain of the loss will shift and light and joy will return to our lives, not with time but with intention. When we grieve fully we can live fully.
I know this because I am a bereaved sibling, daughter, parent, and most recently a spouse and I understand how much it hurts to lose your person. As you navigate the wilderness that is grief, together we will help you find ways to heal and to create a new life, one that honours your beloved and brings you new joy.
Working with me combines the tools of Life Coaching and Grief Educator to support you in your own unique way as your heart heals and you once again find the light. I will walk alongside you, you are not alone in this.
The great love of my life, my husband Martin has a disease for which there is no cure. All the treatments that we do are to slow down the cancer and prolong his life in the best quality possible.
This has been going on since 2016. So for seven years, I have been living with the most god-awful fear of him dying. Bone crushing actually. How do I go on without my love? My best friend and my person. The Impossibility of it boggles my mind.
As the disease progresses and he begins to disappear into the fatigue and pain I am given more and more opportunities to have the Impossibility of losing him stare me in the face, with nowhere to go, forced to look at the truth.
I think it is fair to say that in my life so far I have experienced quite a bit of loss. My baby brother died tragically at 14 years, and our Robin died of brain cancer, to name a couple. These losses which were so huge seem to pale in comparison to this one, that is looming ahead of me.
So I ask myself several times a day ” How exactly will I be able to cope when Martin dies?” I never get a good answer. Despair and grief answer me with unhelpful and discouraging shrugs of sorts.
Today as I was gathering Ruffus up for a walk, I asked myself the same question ” How on earth will I ever cope without Martin?” Today I got a different answer.
” One walk at a time, just like you are doing now”, came the answer. And somehow that is so comforting to me. It is true, I can do that, I am doing that.
So for now, I am sticking with my new answer. One walk at a time, one moment by moment.
I would be grossly remiss if I did not acknowledge how else I am and will get through. It is with love and support. It comes from those around me who love me and whom I love dearly. It comes in the form of flowers sent, and it comes by talking, it comes by walking with me, it comes with food dropped at the door, it comes by checking in on me, it comes by holding space for my tears, it comes in hugs when I can no longer hold the tears in. It comes from the pharmacy caring and patient, it comes from Ruffus and Corey the Cat letting me cry into their fur.
There is one more thing. It is me. I know this might sound funny or odd or something. I know that losing my husband is tough. I know that I am scared to death. I know that it sounds impossible. I also know that I know how to do hard things. I know that because my success rate of doing hard things in my life is 100 percent. So I know what tools I need. I need lots of love. I need to talk. I have a coach. I eat well, I sleep well, I run and I do yoga. I have a naturopath and a chiropractor who help me take care of my body. I read a lot and learn a lot to take care of my mind. I cry a lot and I do fun things to take care of my heart.
Here is the whole point. If I can do this, anyone can do anything, do you see what I mean? It means that even the most Impossible can be done, we just need to find our way. I feel like that is really good news. If there is a way that these words help one person, who is traveling a road of hard, I will be grateful. I want people to know that the road of the impossible is doable, One walk at a time, moment by moment.
I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up I kind of did believe in happily ever after. I actually thought there would be a time when everything was perfectly happy. So, I waited and waited and waited.
Somewhat recently, I have come to a different understanding of life. The 50/50 theory. What this means to me is that 50 percent of life is beautiful and easy just as we would want it to be. The other 50 percent? Not so much. It is hard, icky, and painful. This is true because life is, well life, isn’t it?
I hear from clients all the time about things like the tyranny of daily life. Meaning things like OK, I know I have a big workload but it is the internet going down that really does me in, or the car breaking down or the oil tank blowing up.
I also hear from clients all the time about the joys of life, the trips, the successes, the beauty, the book writing all the things.
Yesterday, was a perfect example. I spent the day at the hospital with my husband who was undergoing eye surgery. The very same hospital where our son had died a few years ago. It was very hard. We got home and in through the mail slot came copies of a Magazine featuring our house, a newly minted Heritage Property.
I thought, yep life is 50/50. The joy receiving the magazine actually canceled out the worry of the surgery ( a success by the way).
So for me accepting the 50/50 nature of life is very calming. It allows me to ride the waves more smoothly, knowing that life, as waves, is always changing. It causes me to celebrate the heck out of the good times. It allows me to always be looking for and creating joy. It frees me from waiting for ‘ happily ever after and loving the present moment.
As always I share these thoughts with lots of love,
In our family, we call worries ” What-Ifs”. They are the thoughts that pop up in our minds when presented with well, could be anything in life. They follow a formula, What if …………………and this bad thing happens”? “What if I write the book and no one wants to read it cuz it sucks”. “What if I go to school and can’t find my way around the building”, “What if I ask for more money and they say no”? See what I mean these are what we call what-ifs.
I mean in fairness our brains are trying to protect us from danger and some what-ifs are accurate. What if I drive in this hurricane, I might be hurt, or What if I ski this expert trail ( without the skill) I could fall and get hurt.
What IFs really are just thoughts, not facts. The problem is we think our thoughts are facts and in situations where our thoughts are not serving us well we need to get a grip in order to live the lives we want to have.
Let me give you an example. I have a few clients who want to write a book. Their What- ifs are some version of ” What if I write the book and it sucks so no one reads it”? This kind of what-if can easily lead to not writing the book.
One solution to what-ifs is to do a THOUGHT DOWNLOAD….it sounds fancy, doesn’t it? A thought download, as it sounds means getting out a sheet of paper and writing down your thoughts, all of them about the situation, the point is to get them out of you and onto paper so you can see them for what they are just thoughts. This clears the space for you to decide what to do about the thoughts, it is kind of like a What IF buster.
Once the thoughts are on paper you can look and them and evaluate their accuracy or in other words are they factual. So ” What if I drive in a hurricane and get in an accident?” might be a what if that has validity versus “What if I write a book and it sucks” which can easily turn out to be invalid if you really want to write a book.
So next time you notice What-Ifs in your mind, give a thought download a try, and see what happens.
The day I saw this sign at my chiropractor’s office, I stopped in mid-step. I was so taken with the truth and the simplicity of this message. We are in fact a direct manifestation of how we eat, move, and think. Each part is linked with the other, so how we eat influences how we think and how we move and they all work together to curate our lives and how we live, and how we show up. Such a simple truth. Simple yes, easy? Sometimes, not so much.
As my husband and I travel this rocky road called cancer, we are finding over and over again just exactly how true this is. For him, it is about eating what helps his body heal, about maintaining his strength and well-being in moving and remaining vital and vivacious in his thinking.
For me, it is about taking care of myself so that I can show up on this journey the way I want to show up. I want to show up with love. I want to show up with love and care for my husband, for myself, and also for others around us. For me to stay that course as opposed to falling into panic, fear, and despair I need to be very mindful of how I eat, move, and think.
Let me show you what I mean. I know that for myself going for a run is super important for my well-being. At the same time, I don’t always feel like going for a run. Yesterday, I had a super busy day of coaching, meetings, and cancer-related tasks so I really didn’t feel like going out the door. I had a little discussion with myself about it and before long, I was lacing up my running shoes and out the door Ruffus and I went, because I knew that running would move my body the way it needed to move. And it did.
Moving your body actually helps move the energy that accumulates in us all day long. It keeps it from becoming stuck somewhere like our chests, hips or necks. It influences how we think and influences how we eat.
I am not suggesting moving in a way that is uncomfortable. I know that many folks like, for example running and I know that many folks find it unpleasant. I am suggesting that you discover if you do not already know how you like to move. One way to do this is to think back to when you were a child and see if you get clues. When I do this, I see my little girl self running playing hide and go seek. Another way is to try something, anything, and see how it feels.
While I know that not everyone is on a cancer journey, all of us have rocky roads at times in our lives, cuz life always does, well life, doesn’t it? The beauty and truth of How We Eat, Move and Think is that it is for all seasons of life, young and old, rich and poor, good times and hard times.
Money is on a lot of our minds lately, isn’t it? The economy worldwide is crazy, grocery prices are wild and the news headlines are a bit scary moneywise.
The really good news is that we all have a relationship with money, isn’t that crazy to ponder? It is true. We all have our own particular relationship with $$$$$ based in large part on our childhood experiences with money. It is our relationship with money that drives our experience and actions with money rather than the actual dollars and cents of it. Some people are money worry-free with 10 bucks in their account and some folks worry with hefty balances.
Since money is a big part of life and of Start Living the Life You Want, a lot of the work I do with my clients is about money.
I decided to create a new Program called Moneywise.
In three weeks you will dive into your current relationship with money, uncover fears, and create a new relationship with money and your own unique money plan.
We will do this with worksheets, homework, meditations, and weekly sessions with me.
Summer is the perfect time to take this short three-week journey into Money.
The cost is 300.00
to Register e-mail me at susy@cabaretelifecoaching.
Imagine living with more of what you want, money, time, energy, peace, wellness, joy, more love, and better relationships. Imagine less stress. Less frustration. Less to do.
You can create this and more for yourself.
Spring into Action Create the Life You Crave this Spring.
The Program Includes:
Six 45 minute private sessions with Coach Susy
Start Living journal
Getting Stuff Done Worksheets
Weekly Challenges
Accountability
You can do this. It works.
Cost 597.00 USD
To apply and register send me an e-mail susy@cabaretelifecoaching.com
In any relationship whether with ourselves or others, we get used to doing things or being a certain way. When we decide to set a boundary it is because we want to make a change. I did that when I stopped drinking wine, my clients do it all the time. We, humans, have a tendency to resist change with ourselves and others. Change can be scary. When we resist change it comes out as Pushback. I think of it as Pushback to change. So even though change means “different”, not “bad” and in fact, very often is good. We resist it with Pushback.
Once again when I observe Ruffus, he just doesn’t get involved with Pushback. He knows his boundaries and states them in a short, clear, and concise way. He “ruffs” to set the boundary and although it is rare for him, if the boundary is ignored his “ruff” would be louder. I think three times in ten years it has turned into a growl. His boundaries are respected and accepted.
In the human world, Pushback comes in many forms, all related, remember to resisting the change that the boundary asks for.
Some of the common forms, which I am sure we are all familiar with, are testing limits, ignoring, eye-rolling, rationalizing and questioning, defensiveness, and ghosting.
The healthy response to setting a boundary is for the other person to get it and respect it. The same, by the way, for boundaries we set for ourselves. “I understand, I get it” are words we would hear from acceptance followed by actions that honor and respect the boundary.
One of the most common and tricky to deal with forms of Pushback is the rationalizing and questioning type. It is tricky because it is cleverly disguised in logic and reason and maybe because it taps into our own vulnerabilities.
Let me give you an example. Last week, one of my housemates overloaded the washing machine a lot. I mean there was a comforter, towels, sweatshirts, etc. I had previously sent a message to him asking that he see me before doing a wash to ensure he understood the load requirements (we had just had a hefty washer repair bill). He ignored my request and overloaded the washer. In order to protect my boundary, as soon as I saw the situation, I spoke to him. (Important step of attending to boundary violations, as soon as possible) His Pushback was 1. He forgot and 2. I hadn’t thanked him for doing his long overdue chores. So he was rationalizing not respecting the boundary by changing the topic and trying to find fault with me. To my credit, I just repeated without explanation or apologizing, that he had not honored the boundary about the washer and I need him to do that. I did not get deterred by his attempted detour from the matter at hand. I essentially “ruffed” again a bit louder. The healthy response would have been something that sounded like “I am sorry, I forgot, show me how to load the washer.” I was proud of myself.
Another example of this sort of Pushback is from one of my clients this week. She politely declined an invitation to a family event, a wedding. The response she got back was Pushback in the form of rationalizing and questioning. It sounded like “But you should take time off work to come, and prioritize yourself”. An attempt it would appear to question my client’s decision and rationalize it away. The truth is my client was prioritizing herself by declining the invitation and it is not for the relative to question her. The healthy response would have sounded like ” I am sorry you can’t make it, we will miss you and we understand.” I was very proud of my client.
So when we set boundaries, they need to be clear, short, and concise. As soon as we notice a violation we need to reset the boundary and not get involved with the Pushback.
I am pretty sure that when people are afraid, hesitant, and nervous to Set Boundaries, it is because of The Pushback. Pushback is when the boundary we have set is not honored, it comes in various forms. Some of the common ones are ignoring the boundary, testing the boundary, rationalizing and questioning the boundary, ghosting and the silent treatment. These are all forms of the other person resisting your boundary and the change that comes with it. ( I will be giving you ideas on how to handle these in the next post).
When we receive pushback, we think it is because we set a boundary. We don’t really want to think we caused another person to feel disappointed, sad, angry or whatever. I get that. Guess what? Setting a boundary DOES not cause another person to feel anything. That is on them, not on us. Their reaction to our boundary setting is on them. The healthy reaction to a boundary is acceptance. Our responsibility is to set our boundaries, NOT worry about the other’s reaction.
Trust me Ruffus does not worry about the pushback he may or may not receive when he sets a boundary. Recently, Corey our two-year-old kitten ( I know she is a cat but to us, she is our kitten) has decided to try running full speed down our long hall and using Ruffus as a vaulting box to fly through the air. From what I remember from my PhysEd days, she does it perfectly by the way. Ruffus does not want to be used as a vaulting box. He ” ruffs’ at her and she looks at him like he is a crazy dog (pushback)and walks away. Ruffus doesn’t care about the pushback which is the dirty look, he cares about not being used as a vaulting box.
When I first took my break from drinking wine, I encountered many folks who wanted me to drink wine. For example, I went to a party with my fancy fizzy water as my BYOB. The host asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, and I politely declined. He asked again, I politely declined, He asked 5 more times. I politely declined. I did not care about the pushback, I cared about my commitment to myself to take a break from wine (still on my break from wine BTW 2 and a half years later.) So I couldn’t and didn’t get involved with his pushback. I just stuck to honoring my boundary and sipping my fizzy water.
One of my clients is changing her relationship with food. She wants to enjoy her food, she wants it to give her power and pleasure and be satisfying. She was recently at a family gathering where there was a lot of food. There were also family members that take great joy in preparing food for others and seeing them enjoy the food they cooked. My client filled her plate with food that gave her power and pleasure and she totally enjoyed her meal. When asked to get more she politely declined as she had thoroughly enjoyed her meal and was satisfied. She is not responsible for whatever they may or may not have felt about her declining more food. My client is only responsible for setting her boundary, not for the reaction of others to that boundary.
So once you set a boundary in a clear concise and short way, expect a pushback. Prepare for it in your mind. And remember: you take care of your boundaries, and you are not responsible for how others respond.
As always I hope this has been helpful.
Until next time,
Coach Susy,
P.S. Click HERE to check out my coaching packages. I would love to see you on my calendar!
