A full Ironman Competition is made up of a 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bike ride and a 26.385-mile run ( a marathon). I stood at the finish line of The Mont-Tremblant Iron Man the year before Covid shut us all down. Each finisher heard the words ” You Are an Ironman” as they crossed that finish line anywhere from 7- 16 hours after they started. My eyes filled with tears each time I heard the words, each finisher had just done something very hard, proving anything is possible.
I have run marathons which are 26 miles 385 yards and I know what it takes to cross that line. It takes a lot and it takes knowing how to do hard things. And I know how good it feels to complete the hard thing.
This week I was struck by the courage of two of my clients doing hard things, very hard things. Both involved testing. One involved a big nerve-wracking test for work, in front of testers, all alone in order to demonstrate oral competency in a second language, you know the kind of thing that makes a root canal look like a cakewalk. The other client is facing health tests, arduous preparations, and a long journey to the hospital, and with the fear of possibly life-altering results!
With both of these two clients, not doing the hard thing was not even considered, they both just did it. Yes, they prepared, yes they got support, yes they got coaching, yes they did all the things to prepare for success and then they did it.
Some people don’t do the hard things. They get stuck. In fact, often coaching is about supporting clients to do the hard thing anyway. I have a client who came to coaching in order to prepare for a hard test. She did not want to get stuck, she wanted to move forward. The conversations with these two clients this week were very different than the ones with clients who get stuck and don’t do the hard thing. Doing the hard thing anyway leads to celebration, to increased confidence to an increased sense of self-worth to results that move life forward. Not doing the hard thing leads to frustration, fear, self-doubt, and icki-ness.
When I reflect on the main difference between my clients who do the hard thing and those who struggle, it is that doing the hard thing requires BELIEF that it can be done. The belief that they can do it. Yes, with support, yes with effort, and yes with pain, but they do it.
What would you need to believe to do the next hard thing on your list?
At the start of a marathon, a runner believes that they will be able to run the 40,000 or so steps to travel the 26 miles 385 yards.
Today, I celebrate my two clients doing the Hard Thing. I want to say to those clients, “You are an Ironman”.
The digital world, social media, devices, streaming, and all the things, have marched in and taken the world in a huge way. And as with so many things in life, technology is neither good nor bad, it is our relationship with it that determines whether or not it is a positive, negative or both factor in our lives.
It used to be that we had resources such as time, money, and food to establish relationships with in other words how would we use those resources in our lives. Now we have technology as well.
The great news is we each get to choose what relationship we want with our devices. For some of us that might mean a tight relationship with our phones and for others, it might mean a reluctance to own one. My sisters and I gave my 90-year-old Mother a phone and after one week she returned it saying,” it was too much trouble, like having a toddler that you have to take care of”. On the other hand one of my housemates has his phone seemingly attached to his hand somewhat like a sixth finger.
It seems to me like the essential point is to answer the question ” What do we want our relationship to technology to be?” Every single week, my clients tell me that they didn’t do something or other because they we scrolling through Social Media or ” got involved with an app”. Mindless scrolling is not what they are choosing to do, it is a way of numbing feelings or ” filling time”
At the beginning of the year, I set the intention of reading more books. I noticed that in the evenings I was scrolling rather than reading. I don’t want to scroll I want to read. Scrolling is so easy and available. Reading means choosing a book and settling into it. So I got some books I like and leave my phone off in the evenings and now I am reading, which is what I choose to do rather than mindlessly scrolling.
One of my clients, a super successful lady is working on Creating the Life she Craves, full of Joyful Success is her guiding thought for 2023. Like so many of us, when she is tired, bored or unsure she turns to her devices and mindlessly scrolling for distraction from the work she wants and needs to do to achieve her Joyful Success.
My client’s homework for the week may help you as well. it is about using a litmus test before you reach for your device. Ask yourself
Is this what I want to do right now?
Does it align with my values?
Does it give me energy or take away energy
What could I choose to do instead?
What am I avoiding by being on my device?
Remember, technology is neither good nor bad, it is neutral. We get to choose our relationship with it.
Cut and Paste, I am not sure what that means to you but when I started my career, cut and paste meant cut with scissors and paste with glue. That is how we made the Program Flyer at the Recreation Department. So now, I am learning that in order for my messages to reach more people, I need to make “reels”, let me tell you that is a long way from ” cut and paste”. A long way indeed!
I am fine with that cuz I love learning and evolving and changing, that is all good. Except that I don’t actually know how to make reels, do you? In my mind, they need to be perfect, in my mind, the message needs to be perfect, hair perfect, lighting perfect, all perfect. Trust me making a perfect reel is not helpful for this cut-and-paste girl.
This literally reminds me of babies learning to walk. As far as I know, when babies learn to walk, they try, they fall, and they get up. They adjust, they try, they fall, they get up, and so on until they are walking. I have never heard of any evidence that says that a baby thinks, ” OK, today I am going to walk perfectly” and that they stand up and walk perfectly. Perfectionism does not get in the way of a baby’s learning to walk.
So what about if we adopt a learner’s attitude towards certain parts of our lives? That is what I am doing with these reels. A kind of playful curiosity as opposed to the iron rod of perfectionism. How about adjusting the measure of success to” I am going to try and make a reel I am going to spend 30 minutes making a reel. I am going to watch this video about making a reel.”
What about if you need to do your income tax? It is on your list. Maybe it has been on your list for a bit of time. In your mind and on your list it says ” do income tax”, meaning complete tax return and submit. One of my colleagues, clients, and wonderful friend spoke of this to me. When she adjusted her measure of success to ” getting started on the taxes” she was able to create the time and space to start to move it off of her to-do list and to the completed list.
The super interesting thing I have observed is that when perfectionism is removed, we create the space for learning, doing, and being in an open, receptive, non-judgmental way, the actual result that is to say in my case, the reel can be better and certainly the process is more enjoyable and fun.
I did not get the memo about self-care growing up, especially during young adulthood, and motherhood. I did get the memo about self-care when I entered the world of life coaching. At first, I thought it sounded kind of icky and uncomfortable. Maybe like you, I thought I was supposed to take care of everyone else, including the dog. True story, I would rush Ruffus to the vet with runny eyes cause he rolled in the hay before it would occur to me to take care of me. I don’t think I am alone, maybe you feel the same way.
When finally I started to get it about self-care I had a strange understanding of what it meant. I thought it meant manicures, facials and fancy trips. There is Nothing AT ALL wrong with those things, but on their own, they miss the point.
Self-care is about taking care of ourselves because we matter. What we want and need matters. So what I now know is that taking care of myself allows me to show up for others in a loving, kind way and model for them self care.
Guess what? At the heart of self-care is BOUNDARIES. In fact, in my mind, all boundary work starts with the boundaries we have for ourselves. I have a few. It is about curating what we do with our time, money, energy, bodies, and minds to create the lives we crave.
Here are some examples of how I take care of myself. I wake up each morning and meditate. This takes care of my mind, I journal by using my Getting Stuff Done Method, this draws my awareness to what I want to do each day and helps me uncover any obstacles or resistance. I move my body every day, by running or walking with Ruffus, I eat food that brings nourishment to my body and spirit, and I plan pleasure each day. I do not for example jump out of bed and make breakfast because I know that my morning ritual is so important. I do not take running off my list for a day because somebody else needs something. I do not stay at my desk past a certain hour because there is more work to be done, I make time for pleasure and fun.
Before I knew about self-care, I absorbed daily life. The good the bad, and the ugly. It was the pedal to the metal all day every day. At 8:00 each night I would have a glass or two of wine, that was my version of self-care. Now I don’t drink wine. Now I take care of myself and I have no desire to drink wine. The exhaust from daily life doesn’t build up.
So while I don’t object to manicures, pedicures and fancy trips, I do quite enjoy them. I am, in fact, creating a Life That I Don’t need to escape from.
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I am just gonna say it, Ruffus and I did not do so great at Doggie School. Phew, I said it. Another thing, it was on me, NOT Ruffus. The very nice, kind, and world-renowned dog trainer said it was on me. I would call Ruffus 5 times before he came. It went like this “Ruffus Come” in a soft voice. “Ruffus Come” in another soft voice and so on until in a louder firm voice “RUFFUS COME” and he would come. According to the dog trainer, I taught Ruffus to come on the fifth time. Let me just say, it is a work in progress.
It is the same thing with the people in our lives, we teach people how to treat us. This week in a few of my sessions with clients and in my own life were about feelings of frustration and anger when boundaries were set and violated. An employee that won’t respond to requests, a housemate that refuses to comply with rules, and so on.
Let me show you what I mean. I have a housemate who was overloading the washing machine. He “forgot” to check with me about appropriate size loads. Since we just had the washer repaired for being overloaded I was feeling very protective (boundary) of the washer. I let my housemate know the requirements and that not following the rules would result in not being able to use the washer (consequence).
So often when setting boundaries, we are reluctant to set a consequence, meaning what will happen if the boundary is not respected, This is what I did with Ruffus when teaching him to come, he could wait and wait and still get a treat. I taught him it was okay to ignore me.
When we repeatedly set boundaries and don’t set a consequence we are teaching people that it is okay to ignore our boundaries and then we feel frustrated.
So, in the example of my client whose employee does not respond to her texts, a consequence needs to be set. So the boundary to the employee is, “When I text you, I expect a response within 20 minutes.” The consequence needs to be determined by my client. It may be that the employment situation needs to be reevaluated.
There is a bit of an elephant in the room here, eh? When we set a boundary we need to be aware of what will happen if the boundary is violated and not respected. We need to accept that just because we set a boundary does not mean it will be accepted and it is up to us to decide what we do. Some sort of letting go is at stake. Either letting go of the boundary or letting go of the boundary violator. It is up to us.
In the case of Ruffus coming on the first call, I let go of that boundary and we quit doggie school. I am 100 percent fine with that. He does in fact “come” albeit on his own terms but he always comes when called. My client gets to choose if she is prepared to text her employee five times before she gets an answer. As for my housemate, I was prepared to let him go as a housemate if he would not respect my boundary with the washer.
As always, I hope this has been helpful.
Coach Susy
P.S. Click HERE to check out my coaching packages. I would love to see you on my calendar!
“I didn’t tell you this yesterday ’cause I was so upset,” said my husband Martin as he sat down on the edge of our bed. Panic started to rise up in me as I waited for him to tell me what was on his mind. Here we go. Martin and Ruffus were walking down our street, a delivery man asked Martin how old Ruffus is. ” Ten years old” Martin reported.” Ah yep, I thought he was an OLD dog,” said the dolly-pushing delivery guy. Martin loves Ruffus with all his heart and he dreads the day that Ruffus is no longer here with us.
Ruffus is our most beloved dog. On paper, he is a rescue dog from Cabarete, Dominican Republic. He found us on our beach after we had been brutally attacked at knife and gunpoint. It also happens that he had been abandoned. The truth is he rescued us from trauma and we gave him his much sought-after home and family. Read the full story here: Ruffus: The Rescue Dog or The Rescued Dog?
Anyway, as Martin sat there looking rather forlorn, I had a story for him that I knew would do the trick of cheering him up! It happened later on the very same day as the delivery man’s comment. Ruffus and I went to the BEACH, almost deserted as it was minus 14° and windy, but such details do not take away our sheer pleasure of a BEACH WALK. As we were turning back having reached the end of the beach, two miles from our starting point, Ruffus bounded up to two collie-like dogs. Their human was putting one of them on a leash. “My dog just wants to play” I offered. ” Oh, she is getting old and is nervous about puppies,” said the man pointing to Ruffus.
A Big Smile appeared on Martin’s face as I got to the puppy part of the story.
Puppy or Old Dog??? The moral of this little story is, what other people think is only what they think. It has to do with them not us. I find that to be so beautiful and liberating.
So much of our lives are spent worrying about what others think instead of focusing on what we think. It keeps us stuck in so many ways, like not setting boundaries because of what others will think, doing or not doing things because of what others will think, and being or not being who we really are because of what others will think.
For now, anyway, what I know to be true is that our beloved Ruffus bounds up and down the beach doing 360s, chasing seagulls and digging holes in the sand like a puppy. I am gonna go with that.
As always I hope that this little story is helpful to you.
With Love,
Coach Susy
P.S. Click HERE to check out my coaching packages. I would love to see you on my calendar!
One of my favorite people in the whole wide world is my coach Susan Hyatt. A few months ago she told me that she was approached in the gym, by a woman who wanted to gossip about another woman. Her response was ” I don’t talk about people behind their backs unless it is to promote them”. She does not engage in gossip, period, end of the story. That got me thinking.
Gossip is when we talk to one person about another with judgment and negativity. Gossip is making statements about others behind their backs. Gossip functions in part to air our frustrations about someone without having to actually speak to them directly. Gossip is a sign of weak or no boundaries.
It works like this. Person A does or says something that we don’t like, instead of setting a boundary with person A we go talk to person B about person A. We feel better because we have vented our frustration but we have not actually done anything to solve the problem with person A.
Imagine if Corey the Kitten tried to get Ruffus’ bone. Imagine if he went to talk about it to his doggie pals at the doggie park. That is what gossip is. Ruffus just ” ruffs” to set his boundaries directly to the person, cat, or dog. He does not gossip.
When we set boundaries with someone, we don’t need to vent our frustration to another person because we have set the boundary. Last week I set a boundary with a housemate who was overloading the washer. I did not, therefore, feel any need to talk about him behind his back to another housemate, I had no frustration because I set the boundary.
I would say that every single week I hear from my clients about people taking up their time on the phone. One client does not like to take calls from a friend who wants to vent. So rather than talk about that friend to someone else, my client sets a boundary by not picking up the calls if she is not interested in being involved in a venting session. My client doesn’t need to feel frustrated about listening to the friend and therefore does not need to vent the frustration by gossiping about the friend.
You may feel like I did when I first uncovered this link between gossip and Boundaries. I was astonished. I started to observe myself, like a detective, looking for clues about what gave me the urge to talk about someone behind their back. I discovered that it truly was to vent frustration when I had not drawn a boundary.
I invite you to do the same. Observe where and about whom you tend to gossip. Ask yourself, what frustration am I venting? What boundary needs to be drawn?
I am proud to say that I no longer engage in gossip. I draw boundaries to protect myself. I can honestly say, like my coach, ‘ I don’t talk about others behind their back unless it is to promote them”.
My week started with a broken washer, a broken furnace (had to get a new furnace), Mother troubles, oh and a trip to the vet. I did everything possible to both solve the problems, manage my frustration, and remain civil. As I was journaling the solution came to me for what to do with the worry.
You might have guessed it! CHUCK IT IN THE FUCK IT BUCKET. And that it was I did, I kind of wrapped up the worry and put it in the bucket. Guess what it worked! It was as if I was laying it all aside and I moved on with my day, met with clients, did my work, and had actually a fabulous day.
One by one the problems were resolved. The repair man called back, and the furnace situation is fixed, got help with the Mother situation and the pets are fine.
By Chucking It In the Fuck It Bucket, I was drawing a boundary with myself. I was saying let go of the worry, I had done all the work, called the repair people, called for help and it was time to wait. This is of course different than ignoring problems and hoping they will go away. It is a conscious and deliberate boundary or act of letting go and accepting what is.
This afternoon I am going out shopping to buy a Bucket!
My dog Ruffus continues to teach me every day. Last evening we heard a short, clear “ruff’ out of him. Ruffus doesn’t bark, I mean to say he barks about once a month. So when we heard a “ruff” from the kitchen we knew it meant something. Someone he didn’t know very well had walked passed his food bowl. Ruffus, a former abandoned beach dog is protective of his food. He has a boundary about it. Being a dog he has no words so he communicates with a “ruff”. Short, clear. concise. He happens to be textbook perfect about setting a boundary.
When we set a boundary we need to be short, clear, and concise. A lot of us are not comfortable setting boundaries, because they were not modeled for us as kids and we haven’t had much practice doing it. That can lead to long drawn out confusing communications about boundaries rather than our equivalent of “ruff”.
Let me give you an example. In my household, I need the kitchen to be clean after anyone uses it. EVERYONE in the house knows this. Why? It is because I say ” the kitchen needs to be cleaned up right after you use it”. I don’t say,” If you don’t mind could you clean it or I am sorry to ask, but could you clean it? or I hate to bother you, I am just picky but could you clean it?,” No, No. No. I say it as Ruffus does with his “ruff”.
Do you have a boundary that you need/want to set? This week, pick one. Keep your communication, short and concise like your own version of “ruff”
Next time we will look at Step 2 of boundary setting. Our actions.
Grief comes along out of the place it lives inside us and whacks you upside the head, at least it does for me. On this day 51 years ago, my baby brother died, he was 14. He died from autoerotic asphyxiation. It was a tragedy that changed me and my life and the lives of my family forever. I miss my brother, I have no idea what it would have been like to have him in my life all these years but I can imagine. He was loyal, devoted, strong, could throw a punch like no other and well he was my baby brother.
Most of the time the grief lives inside me. Rose Kennedy once said of all the losses that she had in her life something like, the wounds heal over enough to live, but leave scars. We heal from the losses, and we learn to live with them and lots of times we grow from them and become a better version of ourselves from them.
And then the Grief Whacks You Upside the Head and it reminds you of the loss and what might have been. Every year on January 15th, I think maybe this will be the year that doesn’t happen. Maybe this will be the year that I don’t feel the loss so acutely, maybe this will be the year that I just sail right through. Cuz I don’t want to feel the pain. The truth is every year, I am brought to my knees with grief and now I know, I need to acknowledge it and accept it and you know what? It moves on.
When the grief moves on I am filled with so much love for my brother and so much gratitude for all the life I have and all the love. And the grief goes back inside my heart where it lives and where I want it to be for grief is love and I love my baby brother with all my heart.
I share this in case any of you are being Whacked Upside the Head, it will pass, it will pass.
Lots of love,
Susy
Dedicated to Chris Ruedy June 22 1957- January 15, 1972
