I am just sitting in bed on a snowy, Saturday morning, relatively content. Coffee in hand, kitty at the foot of the bed, covers pulled up my chin doing my things. Suddenly, FB sends a memory.
This photo of Martin and I at Tremblant skiing and I literally feel like I have been sucker punched, no warning, just punched hard in my heart, my body and every where. Skiing was both of our passions and we even lived at Tremblant for three years so we could ski every day.
This is grief, this is mourning. This is it. This is the loss that rips me apart. this is it staring me in the face.
It just so happens that I am going to Tremblant later next week. I am taking some of his ashes to lay at the summit where our son Robin’s lie. It will be the first time ever there without my love at my side.
So I sit here, I cry, I remember, I breathe. I trust.
I read this yesterday in one of my Grief Books.
By Alan D. Wolfelt PHD
“ I’m under Reconstruction”
My loss tore me apart, and now I’m under reconstruction.
This reconstruction process is time-consuming and messy. Like any major overhaul, it gets worse before it gets better. It’s wearing and noisy. And it’s not orderly either. I don’t even know what I am going to be like when the project is finished.
But nonetheless, every day I put my hard had on and I get to work.
I think about how true it is. I am under reconstruction. Nearly 40 years with my love and now he lives in my heart not at my side. I can do this. I am doing this. So next week my hard hat will be my ski helmet and I will lay his ashes at the summit with others who love us both at my side, and then you know what? I will ski down that mountain! Skiing is part of my reconstruction.
I am thinking that I want this “reconstruction project to be over”, it is really hard and hurts. I know however that it is impossible to rush it, only way through it, is well actually through it.
I share these words with the sincere wish that it helps anyone who needs to hear it.
The impossibility of learning to live life without my great love, my husband Martin at my side feels beyond enormous, it feels well, impossible, if I am being honest. For nearly four decades we have been in love, created a beautiful life, and have been basically inseparable, some would say joined at the hip. Now he is, well dead. Cancer took my love, ffin cancer.
I can however walk. In fact Ruffus, our most precious rescue dog must walk. So we walk. Being as that Ruffus is a former abandoned beach dog from Cabarete, Dominican Republic, he loves the beach, he even loves our cold and snowy winter beaches here in Nova Scotia. So sometimes I take him to different beaches so we can walk. he romps and rolls and plays and is generally delighted and his glee makes me giggle. He also does 360s when he sees the beach and that makes me laugh out loud.
In the next second, my thoughts turn to Martin and how much I miss him and my eyes leak tears, streaming down my face and I keep walking. Sometimes these grief bursts hurt so much I wonder if it will bring me to my knees. So far I have remained upright.
Inevitably, my thoughts turn to the love we share. Ours is a great love story, it began at a Christmas party many decades ago and always, always was full of the most spectacular love and care for one another. A love so great that even death doesn’t kill it, maybe just changes the form, but how the heck do I know? And these thoughts fill me with deep gratitude for being able to love and be loved so deeply and completely, I know that many people search their whole lives and don’t find this kind of love.
We keep walking. Maybe as we near the end of our walk, my heart feels a smidgen lighter, maybe just maybe I see a bit of light through the darkness that is a heavy heart. I wish I could walk out of grief, I wish walking would bring Martin back or at the least take the pain away. I wish cancer was eradicated and I wish my love didn’t die. I wish all kinds of things. However for the moment, what I know for sure is that I will keep Walking Through Grief. I know that each day, one step at a time I am finding my way.
It is my most fervent hope, that by sharing my thoughts, it helps anyone who needs it.
We live in challenging times, don’t we? It appears that for many of us personally there is just too much going on. Globally there is a lot going on and some days or even many days or even most days it can seem like just too darn much. We feel frustrated, and agitated, at the end of our ropes, it is called OVERWHELM. I get it and I can help.
Together we dive into your personal overwhelm, identify the causes, and the solutions, and help bring you back to peace and calm. We will create your very own Beyond Overwhelm Kit to use now and whenever Overwhelm comes your way.
The cost is 139.00 USD inludes a 90 minute one on one session with Coach Susy
Here is what one of my client’s had to say about working with me.
I am more cognizant of my thoughts and feelings now. I am more proactive about challenges. I feel confident in my ability to rise up to life’s weather and that even if and when I lose my grip, I feel fine and good about starting again. Probably the biggest gift she helped me reveal was a strong and obvious sense of hope. I don’t ever remember having that before in a real way. There is a way, things can change, and dreams are not just fantasy.
Soothe frustration and what’s driving you crazy. Return to peace and calm.
The other night while out for dinner with friends, I was asked what is the main thing I do with my clients as a Life Coach! I love it when people ask me that question! I help people do the thing, I answered. The thing they want to do, the thing they have not been doing, I help them Start Living the way they want to live!
While the details of what Start Living means are different for each of us, what it means is very similar, it means living your life your way. It means following your dreams, your passions, your purpose, your way.
One of my young clients, burst out joyfully the other day, ” It feels like I am finally living MY Life.” His parents were pushing him to go to University when what he wants to do is art and videos. He found an art and video school.
Another of my clients is going on a trip to Europe, she is stopping in a town because, it feels like part of a book she is going to write.
My husband talks about switching from Engineering School to the School of Architecture and feeling like he was floating with joy.
All of these are examples of Start Living what is true for each person not for others.
So the thing is we can know what we want to do, and plan what we want to do but we have to, well do it, don’t we? It totally doesn’t matter what “it” is, we still have to do it. I just have to say that the thing I see most with my clients is not doing it. The person who wants to move more doesn’t move more, the one who wants to write a book doesn’t sit down to write, the one who wants to pay off debt doesn’t make the payments, and on and on it goes.
The reasons why people don’t do things are varied but a lot of the time it is fear. Fear that the book will suck, fear that it will hurt to walk, fear that the debt will never be paid off. Fear of what the answer will be if they make that phone call. So we anticipate a negative response and don’t do the thing that guarantees a negative response.
One way to combat fear is using what I call turtle steps. I am using them a lot these days. I have a lot on my plate with my husband’s cancer and don’t always have the bandwidth to get things done. This is where Turtle Steps come in. Do something that moves towards what you want. I have a client who wants to meditate regularly. Twenty minutes is too daunting for her so she starts with One minute. One-minute mediations are part of what she wants for her life, she is moving towards what she wants. I have to read a long article about cancer, so I find it and then read one part each day. Do you remember the story of the turtle and the hare? Do you remember who got there first?
Another way to just do the thing is by asking for an accountability partner. When we ask for someone else to help hold us to our word, we are taking it outside of ourselves and for many of us, that little nudge can be quite helpful. many Apps work as accountability partners, tracking your movement, days earning a language, and time on your devices all designed to support you in doing it.
You know what? You just can’t make some stuff up, do you know what I mean? So please let me tell you what just happened.
Ruffus and I were out walking around the campus of the University near us. It has beautiful gardens and according to Ruffus, great smells, we go there a lot for our little walk of the day. As usual, I was pondering whether or not I could sneak a slip of one of their perennials, a pretty magenta wildflower, that happens to be called Rose Campion if you want to know. It would be perfect in my English Country Garden. Also as usual, I hear my father’s voice telling me “NEVER Steal Someone ELSE’s flowers”, so I don’t take any, I just admire them, as I do every day. Ruffus sniffs them as he does every day and on we go.
A couple of minutes later, what to my wondering eyes should I see, but a University gardener, weeding the flower beds. Almost before I know it I suck up my courage to stop and talk to her. I ask her if I could please have a piece of the perennial. She says nicely, “If you take it when no one is around and not very often. We are trying to stop that sort of thing” She then says,” In fact, we have someone who steals our flowers and we are trying to stop it.” “Oh,” I say, “who is that? ” “Well, a very, very old man, he yanks them out and we ask him not to and he says they are for his wife, and we don’t know if he understands that we have asked him not to pick the flowers, cuz he keeps doing it!”
Ruffus pulls on his leash urgently, and I say goodbye to the gardener with a big lump in my throat.
Ruffus and I scurry away, me trying not to cry and feeling slightly nauseous. I drop Ruffus back off at the house and start running back to the gardener, hoping with all my heart she is still there.
She is about to get in her truck when I call out to her ” I am the wife” I say, “My husband worked here for 33 years and he almost died last year of prostate cancer and please don’t make him stop picking me flowers, it is his way of showing love.” “OMG,” she said, he can pick all the flowers he wants”.
She started to cry and I started to cry and the gardener and I stood hugging in the courtyard and crying.
Then she took me to the flower bed and dug me up the perennial I had been wanting and that is exactly what happened! And now the perennial is in my garden.
As I was going to the Chiropractor the other day, I saw this sign. I literally stopped in mid-step, I was so struck by how true and powerful this is. Our lives are made up of what we eat, how we move and what we think, it is so simple.
We are, in fact, a manifestation of what we eat, how we move, and what we think. Each one has an effect on the other, doesn’t it? I bet we have all had days where we feel at the top of our game, we have eaten well, moved our bodies the way they want to be moved and our thoughts are positive and upbeat. Do you know what I mean?
We all have days where the opposite is true, as well. Maybe we are a little down so we don’t move except to the cupboard to get chips and cookies. The chips and cookies don’t help our thoughts and we don’t move.
Each of our bodies needs what it needs to be “eating well”! Our bodies want and need to move in different ways. Each of us thinks and believes differently. I am not talking here about “going on a diet”, “joining a gym” or having a “brain makeover”. I am inviting you to explore what foods, what ways of moving and how you think, are best for you.
So with this simple and profound information, we are what we eat, how we move, and what we think. I invite you to notice and pay attention to these three things and see how it helps you Start Living Your Best Life.
As always I hope this is helpful.
Coach Susy
P.S. I can help you create the life you want. Click here to book a FREE 30 minute call.
P.P.S Click here for more information about my coaching programs or if you would like the Free Getting Done Worksheet, click here.
It happens, doesn’t it? All excited for a road trip and bang there goes a tire. Settle down for a cozy movie night, the wifi has a speed of 5. Open the pool for the season, pool supplies are out of stock, you get what I mean, right? I call this unexpected Sh*T, one of my clients refers to this kind of thing as ” the tyranny of life” and another client calls it “life Cr*P”!
Whatever you call it, we all have it. I find that comforting somehow, do you? I mean one of my clients and I were struggling this week with the very same Internet company for the bad service, like being on hold for two hours, so we know it happens to all of us.
I don’t know about you but I NEVER write down on my to-do lists, Deal with ” unexpected sh*t”, do you? I write down all the things I think I am going to do that day. For example, I am going away on a little trip, my list says pack clothes, call cottage, pack for Ruffus, gas up the car, that sort of thing. I do not write down, deal with flat tires or get stuck in construction traffic, do you?
My clients write down things like, get the pool supplies and then the pool supplies are out of stock and it is annoying. They don’t write down, try to get pool supplies. My clients write down what they are planning to do in a day and not suddenly take the dog to the vet.
The thing is we all know that this kind of thing happens, but we don’t plan for it, at least many of us don’t so, each time it happens we are surprised and annoyed or frustrated.
I am wondering about this and I am going to try including both in my to-do list and psyche space for this unexpected sh*t and see if by acknowledging it and accommodating for it, it will loosen its power and ability to annoy me.
I invite you to do something similar.
As always I hope this is helpful.
P.S. I can help you create the life you want. Click here to book a FREE 30 minute call.
P.P.S Click here for more information about my coaching programs or if you would like the Free Getting Done Worksheet, click here.
Have you ever read or seen the Play by Thornton Wilder, called Our Town? Some folks call it the greatest American Play of all time. For me, it holds perhaps the most powerful message of my life. Without spoiling it for you, it involves a young woman who has died and gets to go back to her town for one day. She sees her town through eyes of deep appreciation and gratitude for the beauty and specialness of all that she sees. She is so excited to see the mailman, flowers, birds, and trees. She tries to tell this to the townspeople but they can’t hear her and would they listen anyway? She would give anything to stay longer but she has to go back to heaven.
It took my breath away the first time I saw it and heard the message. I strive to be grateful and appreciative for each day, but if I am being totally honest, I kind of lose the plot. I lose it in the stress and strain of life. I lose it cuz I get involved in icky situations and I think I lose it cuz my brain like all of our brains, has a negativity bias. This bias was designed to protect us from the proverbial Saber Tooth Tiger when we were cave people which is a good thing. The thing is it tends to get a little stuck on the negativity.
I have been given many opportunities in life that are second chances and like the young woman in the play, was filled with wonder at life and promised myself that I would always live in a state of gratitude and appreciation for the gift of each day. Although I do live life fully and with gratitude, the wondrous gift of each day kind of wears off after a while and is replaced by feeling less gratitude than I would like.
It is not just me who has experienced this and I think it is a lot to do with the way our brains are wired. One of my clients has just literally been given great health news, so great in fact, that it has given her a second chance at life. So, has a new opportunity to enjoy and create the life she wants. (no I do not have words to express how happy I am for her). She wants to be sure she does enjoy life and not ” slip” into complacency and the same old same oldness of life.
Our brains have what you call neuroplasticity, I know quite the word isn’t it? It means that we can change them by changing what we think and believe. Our brains are capable of laying out new tracks, yes they have the grooves of the old tracks, but by thinking, feeling, and doing new things we can change the grooves in our brains. It takes time.
In case you are wondering what this has to do with the Play, let me tell you. The young woman went around her town with wondrous eyes and heart seeing all that was so special to her. She focused on those things and felt it in her heart and body. I think we can Make Gratitude a Habit by focusing on it.
This is what I am going to do for thirty (30) days. Each evening I am going to write down three things I am grateful for about the day. I think for this to work in training the brain it needs to be really, real. For example today I am very grateful that our car’s exhaust system was welded together after bombing around town like a drag racer for a week waiting for a welder. I am very grateful that Ruffus who was acting tired has his old pep back and I am super grateful to curl up with my husband on this cold rainy day and watch a movie,
The theory is that after 30 days our brains will have a new pathway that makes Gratitude a Habit thus, supporting my goal of living in wondrous appreciation.
I mean I am not sure if people still do Spring Cleaning, do they? When I think of it, I see open windows with fresh air, I smell lemon-based cleaning fluids, and polished floors that sort of thing. Here in Nova Scotia we have the problem of Spring not actually arriving but I think that is a different matter and it is not the actual point.
The point is if we can Spring Clean our homes and cars (that is a thing), we can also Spring Clean our lives. Kind of cool, eh? We all accumulate stuff in our lives, some we want to keep, and others not so much. Along with the good stuff, we tend to accumulate, worry, stress, have too much to do, say yes when we want to say no, and on and on, do you know what I mean? What would you like to get rid of in your life, what can you clean out? What would give you More Time, More Money, More Energy?
I got to thinking about all this after one of my clients told me she wanted to declutter her home. She is going to start in her home office, she knows that as she declutters her office she will also declutter her mind. Now of course I am not Marie Kondo, but I know a bit about decluttering. I follow the Keep it, Store It, Get Rid of It rule. So when I go through a space to declutter I either keep it, store it or toss it. It really makes it so simple and quick.
The same process works for our lives. Yesterday, in fact, I tossed out a situation in my life. It was cluttering my mind and heart and time. I put it through the keep it, store it, or toss it filter and realized it doesn’t serve me in my life, it causes stress and worry and I just don’t have room for it in my life, so I tossed it.
Just like when we Spring Clean, or declutter by removing what we don’t want from our lives or closets we make room for what we do want. I have decided that with the time I used to spend on the situation which was weekly meetings, I am going to go bike riding, with Ruffus ( I know we have to see how that will work!)
So what Spring Cleaning do you want to do? My client wants to declutter her whole home but she is starting with one room. I want to clean up some things in my life but I started with one situation. Where do you want to start?
I am here to help if you need me.
As always all the best,
Coach Susy
P.S. I can help you create the life you want. Click here to book a FREE 30 minute call.
P.P.S Click here for more information and to enroll into my Create the Life You Crave Program or if you would like the Free Getting Done Worksheet, click here.
As one of my heroes, Jane Fonda says, I am in my third act and I am making it the best one yet. I mean to be able to have a third act is a true blessing, isn’t it? So many people in my life have not had that luxury and so for me it is so important that this act be the best one yet.
Jane Fonda suggests doing a ” Life Review” of sorts as you hit your third act. Isn’t this just right up a Life Coach’s alley? I think Life Reviews are important at any age and act! ( Contact me if you wish help with this)
Anyway, as I was doing my own Life Review yesterday ( photo above) is me in the midst review. I came to the somewhat uncomfortable realization that my first two acts were filled with ” Giving too many f*$ks and now I actually have none left to give. Just like the little song, above I overspent my F*$ks, try to get things “right”, ” not wanting to offend”, ” saying yes” when I wanted to say no. I am officially done with that.
I am not the only one who has run out of ” f**cks” to give. Much of the work I do with my clients comes down to this very thing. It is about feeling like others’ wants and needs come first, or not wanting to disappoint others, it is about being afraid to speak up, it is about overtrying. It is about not listening to ourselves, it is a hard way to live.
It sounds like, Getting a great idea and then” Oh I can’t do that” It sounds like not wanting to do something and doing it anyway cuz you don’t want to offend, even though you don’t know if it will offend.it looks like not holding your own boundaries and accepting others’ version of what is true for them and not true for you. It kind of sucks.
One of my clients is working on moving her body more because she really wants to have good health and wellness. She sometimes puts everyone else’s needs before hers because she doesn’t want to ” disappoint”. We are working on her learning not to disappoint herself because she matters, and then she moves her body and has good health.
One of my clients, a small business owner didn’t want to offend people by asking for a fair price for her services. As we healed her relationship with money, she learned to ask for a fair price and now her business is flourishing.
Another of my clients doesn’t like to ask for the help she needs, so she burns herself out trying to do it all. So our work has been helping her learn that it is fine to ask for help and so she actually gets more done with less burnout.
I hope this has been helpful
Coach Susy
P.S. I can help you create the life you want. Click here to book a FREE 30 minute call.
P.P.S Click here for more information and to enroll into my Create the Life You Crave Program or if you would like the Free Getting Done Worksheet, click here.
