Grief comes along out of the place it lives inside us and whacks you upside the head, at least it does for me. On this day 51 years ago, my baby brother died, he was 14. He died from autoerotic asphyxiation. It was a tragedy that changed me and my life and the lives of my family forever. I miss my brother, I have no idea what it would have been like to have him in my life all these years but I can imagine. He was loyal, devoted, strong, could throw a punch like no other and well he was my baby brother.
Most of the time the grief lives inside me. Rose Kennedy once said of all the losses that she had in her life something like, the wounds heal over enough to live, but leave scars. We heal from the losses, and we learn to live with them and lots of times we grow from them and become a better version of ourselves from them.
And then the Grief Whacks You Upside the Head and it reminds you of the loss and what might have been. Every year on January 15th, I think maybe this will be the year that doesn’t happen. Maybe this will be the year that I don’t feel the loss so acutely, maybe this will be the year that I just sail right through. Cuz I don’t want to feel the pain. The truth is every year, I am brought to my knees with grief and now I know, I need to acknowledge it and accept it and you know what? It moves on.
When the grief moves on I am filled with so much love for my brother and so much gratitude for all the life I have and all the love. And the grief goes back inside my heart where it lives and where I want it to be for grief is love and I love my baby brother with all my heart.
I share this in case any of you are being Whacked Upside the Head, it will pass, it will pass.
Lots of love,
Susy
Dedicated to Chris Ruedy June 22 1957- January 15, 1972