I am just gonna say it, Ruffus and I did not do so great at Doggie School. Phew, I said it. Another thing, it was on me, NOT Ruffus. The very nice, kind, and world-renowned dog trainer said it was on me. I would call Ruffus 5 times before he came. It went like this “Ruffus Come” in a soft voice. “Ruffus Come” in another soft voice and so on until in a louder firm voice “RUFFUS COME” and he would come. According to the dog trainer, I taught Ruffus to come on the fifth time. Let me just say, it is a work in progress.
It is the same thing with the people in our lives, we teach people how to treat us. This week in a few of my sessions with clients and in my own life were about feelings of frustration and anger when boundaries were set and violated. An employee that won’t respond to requests, a housemate that refuses to comply with rules, and so on.
Let me show you what I mean. I have a housemate who was overloading the washing machine. He “forgot” to check with me about appropriate size loads. Since we just had the washer repaired for being overloaded I was feeling very protective (boundary) of the washer. I let my housemate know the requirements and that not following the rules would result in not being able to use the washer (consequence).
So often when setting boundaries, we are reluctant to set a consequence, meaning what will happen if the boundary is not respected, This is what I did with Ruffus when teaching him to come, he could wait and wait and still get a treat. I taught him it was okay to ignore me.
When we repeatedly set boundaries and don’t set a consequence we are teaching people that it is okay to ignore our boundaries and then we feel frustrated.
So, in the example of my client whose employee does not respond to her texts, a consequence needs to be set. So the boundary to the employee is, “When I text you, I expect a response within 20 minutes.” The consequence needs to be determined by my client. It may be that the employment situation needs to be reevaluated.
There is a bit of an elephant in the room here, eh? When we set a boundary we need to be aware of what will happen if the boundary is violated and not respected. We need to accept that just because we set a boundary does not mean it will be accepted and it is up to us to decide what we do. Some sort of letting go is at stake. Either letting go of the boundary or letting go of the boundary violator. It is up to us.
In the case of Ruffus coming on the first call, I let go of that boundary and we quit doggie school. I am 100 percent fine with that. He does in fact “come” albeit on his own terms but he always comes when called. My client gets to choose if she is prepared to text her employee five times before she gets an answer. As for my housemate, I was prepared to let him go as a housemate if he would not respect my boundary with the washer.
As always, I hope this has been helpful.
Coach Susy
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