The impossibility of learning to live life without my great love, my husband Martin at my side feels beyond enormous, it feels well, impossible, if I am being honest. For nearly four decades we have been in love, created a beautiful life, and have been basically inseparable, some would say joined at the hip. Now he is, well dead. Cancer took my love, ffin cancer.
I can however walk. In fact Ruffus, our most precious rescue dog must walk. So we walk. Being as that Ruffus is a former abandoned beach dog from Cabarete, Dominican Republic, he loves the beach, he even loves our cold and snowy winter beaches here in Nova Scotia. So sometimes I take him to different beaches so we can walk. he romps and rolls and plays and is generally delighted and his glee makes me giggle. He also does 360s when he sees the beach and that makes me laugh out loud.
In the next second, my thoughts turn to Martin and how much I miss him and my eyes leak tears, streaming down my face and I keep walking. Sometimes these grief bursts hurt so much I wonder if it will bring me to my knees. So far I have remained upright.
Inevitably, my thoughts turn to the love we share. Ours is a great love story, it began at a Christmas party many decades ago and always, always was full of the most spectacular love and care for one another. A love so great that even death doesn’t kill it, maybe just changes the form, but how the heck do I know? And these thoughts fill me with deep gratitude for being able to love and be loved so deeply and completely, I know that many people search their whole lives and don’t find this kind of love.
We keep walking. Maybe as we near the end of our walk, my heart feels a smidgen lighter, maybe just maybe I see a bit of light through the darkness that is a heavy heart. I wish I could walk out of grief, I wish walking would bring Martin back or at the least take the pain away. I wish cancer was eradicated and I wish my love didn’t die. I wish all kinds of things. However for the moment, what I know for sure is that I will keep Walking Through Grief. I know that each day, one step at a time I am finding my way.
It is my most fervent hope, that by sharing my thoughts, it helps anyone who needs it.
