The great love of my life, my husband Martin has a disease for which there is no cure. All the treatments that we do are to slow down the cancer and prolong his life in the best quality possible.
This has been going on since 2016. So for seven years, I have been living with the most god-awful fear of him dying. Bone crushing actually. How do I go on without my love? My best friend and my person. The Impossibility of it boggles my mind.
As the disease progresses and he begins to disappear into the fatigue and pain I am given more and more opportunities to have the Impossibility of losing him stare me in the face, with nowhere to go, forced to look at the truth.
I think it is fair to say that in my life so far I have experienced quite a bit of loss. My baby brother died tragically at 14 years, and our Robin died of brain cancer, to name a couple. These losses which were so huge seem to pale in comparison to this one, that is looming ahead of me.
So I ask myself several times a day ” How exactly will I be able to cope when Martin dies?” I never get a good answer. Despair and grief answer me with unhelpful and discouraging shrugs of sorts.
Today as I was gathering Ruffus up for a walk, I asked myself the same question ” How on earth will I ever cope without Martin?” Today I got a different answer.
” One walk at a time, just like you are doing now”, came the answer. And somehow that is so comforting to me. It is true, I can do that, I am doing that.
So for now, I am sticking with my new answer. One walk at a time, one moment by moment.
I would be grossly remiss if I did not acknowledge how else I am and will get through. It is with love and support. It comes from those around me who love me and whom I love dearly. It comes in the form of flowers sent, and it comes by talking, it comes by walking with me, it comes with food dropped at the door, it comes by checking in on me, it comes by holding space for my tears, it comes in hugs when I can no longer hold the tears in. It comes from the pharmacy caring and patient, it comes from Ruffus and Corey the Cat letting me cry into their fur.
There is one more thing. It is me. I know this might sound funny or odd or something. I know that losing my husband is tough. I know that I am scared to death. I know that it sounds impossible. I also know that I know how to do hard things. I know that because my success rate of doing hard things in my life is 100 percent. So I know what tools I need. I need lots of love. I need to talk. I have a coach. I eat well, I sleep well, I run and I do yoga. I have a naturopath and a chiropractor who help me take care of my body. I read a lot and learn a lot to take care of my mind. I cry a lot and I do fun things to take care of my heart.
Here is the whole point. If I can do this, anyone can do anything, do you see what I mean? It means that even the most Impossible can be done, we just need to find our way. I feel like that is really good news. If there is a way that these words help one person, who is traveling a road of hard, I will be grateful. I want people to know that the road of the impossible is doable, One walk at a time, moment by moment.
With love,
Susy