I can’t really explain how I became the very happy and proud owner of a convertible, it sort of just happened. I mean I didn’t set out to get a convertible, it wasn’t on my bucket list or even on my radar, or even anything that I ever thought of. And yet sitting in my driveway is my beautiful, Garnet Red Miata, her name is Charley, go figure.
Here is what happened. My dear friend Ben an elegant and gentle man, husband of Elizabeth, who can best be described as my guardian angel, suggested I take his Miata for a spin ( note to self, this is where the trouble as it were began). Off we went, meaning Ruffus and I. Ruffus seemed to be smiling as the air blew through his fur as he sat in the passenger seat next to me. We purred along the three of us, Ruffus and I, and the car.
I enthusiastically thanked Ben upon our safe return. “Turns out there is a fun little Miata club to join for Miata owners,” says Ben.” Great folks, fun rides, lovely tours, and delicious meals.” Hmm, I think, hmm.
The next thing I know, my phone pings with a message from Ben. A listing on a beautiful, Garnet Red Miata, low mileage, like new condition. Still, in my somewhat stunned state, I drive the 2.5 hours to go see it. It is in fact, a beauty, in pristine condition, a price that I can afford. I make an offer. They accept. Oh shit, I think!!!
I call my BFF, whose love and clear thinking have held me through this loss like a lifeline, thinking for sure she will gently bring me back to my senses as she is well , the sensible one of the two of us. ” Great idea! She pronounces, go for it”!
My baby sister, Becky whose love has helped carry me through these darkest of days, is excited for me and declares “You deserve it, Susy”.
I spend the next few days going around in circles in my head, wondering what I am doing and why. I go over my money meticulously to see how I can’t afford it. I can afford it. I wonder what I need with two cars. I muse that perhaps I have taken leave of my senses for good this time.
I wonder if ” going to look at a car” is like ” going to look at kittens” Who ever heard of “just looking” at kittens? We did that Martin and I many times, in fact, that is how we got all the many cat members of our family over the years, including our current kitty, Corey.
I picture or feel or know, or some weird thing like that, my beloved Martin who died six months ago, is cheering, no jumping up and down saying ” Go, Sweetie, get it”. He was like that you know, always wanted the best for me.
At any rate, I go buy the car, I am happy about the car, still a bit stunned, maybe numb, maybe in shock but happy about it and looking forward to the Miata Club and all of that.
I am not used to feeling things halfway. I live a soul-powered life, I am passionate and purpose-driven so feeling less than over the moon excited about things is foreign to me. I also have learned in the past six months since Martin died that grief does strange things to us. It is kind of like trying to listen to a radio and the static makes it so you can’t really hear very well, or driving through a thick fog. So I figured grief was dulling my senses about the car.
And then it happened. Ruffus and I were driving down the highway to meet our sister-in-law. ( Shirley is my sista friend). We were going to buy plants for Martin’s Memorial garden and go out for dinner. What happened is that I looked over at Ruffus, the wind blowing in his fur as we buzzed along toward Shirley and I felt totally happy. I had my why. Why did I buy the car? I bought the car because Ruffus and I are going to find our way in life without Martin in this car. We do this by exploring new roads, by going to new places, sometimes crying it out, by welcoming new people into our lives. Ruffus and I tootling along with the wind in our faces in our little red car.
And my love for Martin and his for me and for Ruffus goes with us every where.
Next week we are going on a little road trip to go exploring for gems, amethyst to be exact… Just Ruffus and I and the little red car.
I share this little tale in the most sincere hope that it helps anyone who needs to hear it. The journey through loss is tough. I think of it as a wilderness, in many ways an unknown, and yet we travel toward the light and toward healing.
Susy is an ICF Certfied Life Coach and A Grief Educator…. she helps people create their best lives.
