One aspect of Life that we all need to be Resilient to, is what I call, other people’s off gassing. What I mean by this is when other people off gas THEIR stuff onto you. Their frustrations, anger, anxiety, irritation comes out of them in their words, behavior and hurdles it self towards you. A boss snaps at you when they are tired and stressed, a spouse yells at you because they had a bad night’s sleep, a neighbor makes snide remarks, you get it. All of these things carry with it a negative energy, an energy that belongs to its owner but is flung out towards you. The person is not owning their stuff, but that does not mean you need to take it on. Sometimes, the person apologizes, explains the state they were in and mostly we can easily move on from that, because they have owned it. We know it wasn’t us, we understand that we all have bad moments amd we can show compassion for the other person.

However, frequently the other person, does not acknowledge or apologize! Maybe this is the way they go through life, maybe they are oblivious as to how their actions land on others, maybe, who knows. Doesn’t really matter, just as it is their responsibility to own their stuff, it is our responsibility not to take it on. So how do we do that? How do we protect ourselves from the toxic off gassing of others? Here are my thoughts:

1. The first step is to become aware of what is happening. When we are aware, we can begin to protect ourselves. Think of smoke at a campfire, what do we do when smoke blows our way?As soon, as we realize it is in our eyes, we make attempts to move away from it, most of us don’t sit there taking the smoke in we move. Likewise, when toxic energy is coming our way, we need to protect ourselves.
2. The second step is to Pause. Do not react, reacting will make matters worse. Often, a person who is off gassing their Sh*t on you, wants to get a reaction, it somehow makes them feel better, releases their frustration. So don’t react. Breathe. Brush your self off, literally, it will help you feel better, like you are getting rid of the ick. Move around, shake it off.
3. Consider the intent. This is not about you. It is about the other person and their way of showing up in the world. The chances are, you are not the only one who has experienced this treatment. Get a second opinion. If your boss has yelled at you the chances are she has yelled at others, this is information, not gossip. Knowing that this how the other person operates will help you to understand it is not about you.
4. Respond. Your response will depend on the circumstances of course. Here are some guidelines. If it is the first insult, consider ignoring. You may or may not have a problem. If it is the second time, consider responding, calmly to defend your border( you). Frequently, by putting up your stop sign, the other party will actually stop. Recently, I had someone going off the rails at me about a favor I was doing for her, I calmly pointed that out and she stopped! Depending once again on the person, you may choose to avoid them or their offending behavior. If this person is only marginally in your life, avoiding them is simple. If it is a boss or parent, it may be more about avoiding the behavior. For example if you have an alchoholic parent who becomes abusive after 5:00, guess what, don’t interact in any way after 5:00.
5. Is this a gift? Consider the message. Is their any truth to it? If not you can dismiss it as you would an insult about purple hair. If you determine there is some truth to it. Consider it a gift an opportunity to grow and make your own life better. It could be an opportunity to check in with yourself about your beliefs, values and dreams. Maybe being yelled at by your boss, reminds you that you really want your own business. Maybe, a neighbor’s snide remark, makes you realize you have always wanted to live in the country. Maybe, an insult makes you realize, you have been a people pleaser, and you are going to focus on what you want in life instead of others. In this way, the toxic energy becomes a gift in disguise.

Thank you Judy Crockatt.

As we build Resiliency in our lives, we are building skills. Part of building Resiliency is learning how to avoid parts of life that wear us down, instead of building us up. I hope you have found this helpful.

As always all the best,

Coach Susy

Susy Giddy is a Certified Life Coach. One of her specilaties is Resiliency. She helps clients become more Resilient in every day life as well as supporting during times of adversity and challenge such as car accidents, deaths, divorce, bankruptcies and other adversities that life can bring. She can be reached for questions or to book a consultation at coachsusygiddy@gmail.com