When I was in the 12th grade, I returned home one Saturday morning in January to find out that my little brother, a pesky 14-year-old had died. He died of autoerotic asphixiation. I know, what is that? It means he hung himself while self-pleasuring, it was supposed to make the sexual climax, be out of this world, instead, it sent him out of this world by hanging himself. And it changed my life and world forever.
It threw my parents into an alcoholic stupor more than ever before and began what would be decades to grieve, find my way, and to come home to myself.
The death of my baby brother might have been the first of the heartbreaking challenges I have faced, but sadly it is not the last. My highschool sweet heart was a violent man and I fled from Domestic Abuse. I spent some years raising my adorable daughters on my own, working and literally scraping money together to provide for them. If I were to continue on the list of hard things, it includes surving a near fatal car accident one which fractured my husband’s neck. Losing our son to brain cancer and learning to live with my husband’s cancer.
In equal measure I have had such great joy. I earned the degree of Phyical Education and Recreation which is what I always watned to do. I met and married the great love of my life! I found a way to buy an Indoor Tennis Club, I had the honour of providing Indoor fun, exercise and joy for a decade. My husband and I fell in love with the Dominican Republic and moved there, as was our dream. We lived by the ocean for ten years until it was time to follow another dream and that was moving to a Skii Hill, where each day we could ski at our favorite hill.And then we came home to our beautiful 1770s home.
I will return back to that school this weekend, for my reunion and I will be coming with bells on, whistles blowing and pom poms shaking. I did it, I want to shout. I found my way out of the darkness over and over again, out of the chaos and abuse. I found my way.
I found my way to a beautiful life, I have created a beautiful life. I did it. I worked hard and continue to work hard facing the challenges that come my way, and finding strength when it appears there is none to be had.
Until yesterday, I thought it was a miracle, my life. And you know what? It is a miracle. I could have stayed stuck in a cycle of addiction like my parents, or I could have not dared to follow my dreams, I could have settled for the darkness and not found the light. What I understood yesterday is that I created this miracle called my life. I did it by believing, by believing in joy and goodness. I did by working really, really hard to make my life be what it is. I work hard to become and to continue to become the best version of me. I created the miracle. And you too can create your own miracle. It just takes Belief and Hard work.
I want to say to anyone in the darkness. Believe. Believe in the light. Believe that you will find your way. And one day your story will be the story that inspires others, just like mine and so many others. One day you will say I did it, I found the light.
Whatever the source of darkness for you. I am here to help.
Coach Susy
