One of my favorite people in the whole wide world is my coach Susan Hyatt. A few months ago she told me that she was approached in the gym, by a woman who wanted to gossip about another woman. Her response was ” I don’t talk about people behind their backs unless it is to promote them”. She does not engage in gossip, period, end of the story. That got me thinking.
Gossip is when we talk to one person about another with judgment and negativity. Gossip is making statements about others behind their backs. Gossip functions in part to air our frustrations about someone without having to actually speak to them directly. Gossip is a sign of weak or no boundaries.
It works like this. Person A does or says something that we don’t like, instead of setting a boundary with person A we go talk to person B about person A. We feel better because we have vented our frustration but we have not actually done anything to solve the problem with person A.
Imagine if Corey the Kitten tried to get Ruffus’ bone. Imagine if he went to talk about it to his doggie pals at the doggie park. That is what gossip is. Ruffus just ” ruffs” to set his boundaries directly to the person, cat, or dog. He does not gossip.
When we set boundaries with someone, we don’t need to vent our frustration to another person because we have set the boundary. Last week I set a boundary with a housemate who was overloading the washer. I did not, therefore, feel any need to talk about him behind his back to another housemate, I had no frustration because I set the boundary.
I would say that every single week I hear from my clients about people taking up their time on the phone. One client does not like to take calls from a friend who wants to vent. So rather than talk about that friend to someone else, my client sets a boundary by not picking up the calls if she is not interested in being involved in a venting session. My client doesn’t need to feel frustrated about listening to the friend and therefore does not need to vent the frustration by gossiping about the friend.
You may feel like I did when I first uncovered this link between gossip and Boundaries. I was astonished. I started to observe myself, like a detective, looking for clues about what gave me the urge to talk about someone behind their back. I discovered that it truly was to vent frustration when I had not drawn a boundary.
I invite you to do the same. Observe where and about whom you tend to gossip. Ask yourself, what frustration am I venting? What boundary needs to be drawn?
I am proud to say that I no longer engage in gossip. I draw boundaries to protect myself. I can honestly say, like my coach, ‘ I don’t talk about others behind their back unless it is to promote them”.
As always I hope this has been helpful.
Coach Susy