In any relationship whether with ourselves or others, we get used to doing things or being a certain way. When we decide to set a boundary it is because we want to make a change. I did that when I stopped drinking wine, my clients do it all the time. We, humans, have a tendency to resist change with ourselves and others. Change can be scary. When we resist change it comes out as Pushback. I think of it as Pushback to change. So even though change means “different”, not “bad” and in fact, very often is good. We resist it with Pushback.
Once again when I observe Ruffus, he just doesn’t get involved with Pushback. He knows his boundaries and states them in a short, clear, and concise way. He “ruffs” to set the boundary and although it is rare for him, if the boundary is ignored his “ruff” would be louder. I think three times in ten years it has turned into a growl. His boundaries are respected and accepted.
In the human world, Pushback comes in many forms, all related, remember to resisting the change that the boundary asks for.
Some of the common forms, which I am sure we are all familiar with, are testing limits, ignoring, eye-rolling, rationalizing and questioning, defensiveness, and ghosting.
The healthy response to setting a boundary is for the other person to get it and respect it. The same, by the way, for boundaries we set for ourselves. “I understand, I get it” are words we would hear from acceptance followed by actions that honor and respect the boundary.
One of the most common and tricky to deal with forms of Pushback is the rationalizing and questioning type. It is tricky because it is cleverly disguised in logic and reason and maybe because it taps into our own vulnerabilities.
Let me give you an example. Last week, one of my housemates overloaded the washing machine a lot. I mean there was a comforter, towels, sweatshirts, etc. I had previously sent a message to him asking that he see me before doing a wash to ensure he understood the load requirements (we had just had a hefty washer repair bill). He ignored my request and overloaded the washer. In order to protect my boundary, as soon as I saw the situation, I spoke to him. (Important step of attending to boundary violations, as soon as possible) His Pushback was 1. He forgot and 2. I hadn’t thanked him for doing his long overdue chores. So he was rationalizing not respecting the boundary by changing the topic and trying to find fault with me. To my credit, I just repeated without explanation or apologizing, that he had not honored the boundary about the washer and I need him to do that. I did not get deterred by his attempted detour from the matter at hand. I essentially “ruffed” again a bit louder. The healthy response would have been something that sounded like “I am sorry, I forgot, show me how to load the washer.” I was proud of myself.
Another example of this sort of Pushback is from one of my clients this week. She politely declined an invitation to a family event, a wedding. The response she got back was Pushback in the form of rationalizing and questioning. It sounded like “But you should take time off work to come, and prioritize yourself”. An attempt it would appear to question my client’s decision and rationalize it away. The truth is my client was prioritizing herself by declining the invitation and it is not for the relative to question her. The healthy response would have sounded like ” I am sorry you can’t make it, we will miss you and we understand.” I was very proud of my client.
So when we set boundaries, they need to be clear, short, and concise. As soon as we notice a violation we need to reset the boundary and not get involved with the Pushback.
As always I hope this is helpful.
Coach Susy,
