I am pretty sure that when people are afraid, hesitant, and nervous to Set Boundaries, it is because of The Pushback. Pushback is when the boundary we have set is not honored, it comes in various forms. Some of the common ones are ignoring the boundary, testing the boundary, rationalizing and questioning the boundary, ghosting and the silent treatment. These are all forms of the other person resisting your boundary and the change that comes with it. ( I will be giving you ideas on how to handle these in the next post).

When we receive pushback, we think it is because we set a boundary. We don’t really want to think we caused another person to feel disappointed, sad, angry or whatever. I get that. Guess what? Setting a boundary DOES not cause another person to feel anything. That is on them, not on us. Their reaction to our boundary setting is on them. The healthy reaction to a boundary is acceptance. Our responsibility is to set our boundaries, NOT worry about the other’s reaction.

Trust me Ruffus does not worry about the pushback he may or may not receive when he sets a boundary. Recently, Corey our two-year-old kitten ( I know she is a cat but to us, she is our kitten) has decided to try running full speed down our long hall and using Ruffus as a vaulting box to fly through the air. From what I remember from my PhysEd days, she does it perfectly by the way. Ruffus does not want to be used as a vaulting box. He ” ruffs’ at her and she looks at him like he is a crazy dog (pushback)and walks away. Ruffus doesn’t care about the pushback which is the dirty look, he cares about not being used as a vaulting box.

When I first took my break from drinking wine, I encountered many folks who wanted me to drink wine. For example, I went to a party with my fancy fizzy water as my BYOB. The host asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, and I politely declined. He asked again, I politely declined, He asked 5 more times. I politely declined. I did not care about the pushback, I cared about my commitment to myself to take a break from wine (still on my break from wine BTW 2 and a half years later.) So I couldn’t and didn’t get involved with his pushback. I just stuck to honoring my boundary and sipping my fizzy water.

One of my clients is changing her relationship with food. She wants to enjoy her food, she wants it to give her power and pleasure and be satisfying. She was recently at a family gathering where there was a lot of food. There were also family members that take great joy in preparing food for others and seeing them enjoy the food they cooked. My client filled her plate with food that gave her power and pleasure and she totally enjoyed her meal. When asked to get more she politely declined as she had thoroughly enjoyed her meal and was satisfied. She is not responsible for whatever they may or may not have felt about her declining more food. My client is only responsible for setting her boundary, not for the reaction of others to that boundary.

So once you set a boundary in a clear concise and short way, expect a pushback. Prepare for it in your mind. And remember: you take care of your boundaries, and you are not responsible for how others respond.

As always I hope this has been helpful.

Until next time,

Coach Susy,

P.S. Click HERE to check out my coaching packages. I would love to see you on my calendar!